Sick and Crazy
by wise-imagination
Summary: I must be sick and crazy, I must be disgusting and horrifying, for needing you this badly, for loving you this much. Hikaru/Kaoru.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

**Warning**: YAOI! BoyxBoy, gay.

**Pairing**: Hikaru/Kaoru.

**Author's note**: Lots of grammar errors. I tried to get a Beta Reader, honestly, but she never replied my message. So, I'm tired of waiting and I will be off to Pakistan for two weeks this Saturday without my laptop, thus I'm posting this fanfic with lots of grammatical errors. Please message me if you want to be my Beta Reader for this story. Thank you.

'Happy' reading!!!

* * *

[**Sick** and **Crazy**]

* * *

Today…

Today is his wedding day.

My twin brother's wedding day to be exact. I wonder what it will look like, but one thing for sure, it must be really fantastic. Mum would only want the best for her eldest son's wedding after all. I chuckled softly; she must be over the moon right now. She has been waiting so long for one or two grandchildren from us since forever. Well, her dream is coming true today.

I glanced briefly at my watch. Time is running rather slow, I must say. It is only been 30 minutes since I left the mansion, waiting here alone in the airport to disappear from their sights forever, hopefully. I wonder, will they noticed my absent by now? Probably not. I'm not that important and significant to them anyway. I'm just happen to be there, no one ever noticed my presence.

It is…a bit sad, I supposed, no matter how many times I tried to get used to it.

"It is time, young master", one of my men informed me softly, backing away a step from me when I stood up.

"Is it a wise thing to do-", he opened his mouth again and stopped when I glanced at him.

"Satou-san, you should understand this better than anyone else. I-I can't turn back now; it is what I decided for myself though I hope you will keep this as a secret", I whispered softly.

"I understand. Please take a great care of yourself, young master", he bowed and left along with few others who came along with him.

I sighed and grab my light sling bag. This is it; I said to myself and take a step forward. Unconsciously, a tear managed to escape from the corner of my eyes.

_Farewell, Hikaru. May you live happily ever after. _

_

* * *

It is hard to say a final farewell, Kaoru, especially when it is concerning someone you loved dearly._

She said that, once to me. I never grasped the meaning of her statement at that moment, when we stood together in front of a tombstone. Nevertheless, I did clearly understand her feelings as she knelt down, tracing the familiar Kanji of our family surname with her trembling fingers while sobbing quietly, whispering his name. My heart clenched at the sight of her tears, pouring down from her wrinkled eyes.

My grandmother loved my grandfather more than anything in this world and it was a terrible loss for her when he passed away last month. She can't stop thinking about him; every now and then she will whisper his name, smiling fondly at pictures of them when they were young.

It must hurt her so much and I prayed every night that I will never experience the same pain as her.

My prayers went unanswered.

* * *

I look over from the window beside me, savoring my last moments in Japan. I will not coming back here, anymore. I willingly leave everything here and buried them deep inside my heart, including my own twisted, unrequited love.

"So, this is the final farewell…" I whispered.

"Then…"

"Farewell, Kaoru"

"Farewell, everyone"

"And…farewell, Hikaru"

The final farewell is getting bitter, I noticed, when it is mixed with my muffled whimpers and a broken heart.

* * *

_Dear Hikaru,_

_I'm sorry for not being able to attend your wedding. I'm such a bad brother, right? You would probably wanted to punch my face badly now for being such an ass. Haha, I could almost imagine all the ugly bruises. One day, I'm going to complain to everyone about all the abuses you did to me. _

_Geez…_

_Anyway, congratulation!!! Wow, I mean, you are married before me! You such a lucky guy! I never thought that Haruhi would agree to your proposal. If…if I was Haruhi, I would gladly reject you on the spot! It must tough for that little lady to fulfill all your stupid wishes. Poor Haruhi, I really sympathized her. Be good to her all right?_

_Tamaki really look sad when she told him about it. He had a crush on her since a long time. Never mind, there will be Kyouya at his side to cheer him up. Well, I will tell you a little secret, okay? Hush, don't tell anyone or I'll kill you!!! Man, I can't believe this either but Kyouya has a big, well-kept crush on Tamaki! Gasp! I know, I know, it is just downright…err…awkward? In any case, send my early regards to them if they got married one day. _

_I will not coming back here, not now and ever. I think the time has come for me to, you know, grow up being an adult and independent. Whatever money or assets that are left for me you can just take them and pass them over to my cute future nieces and nephews. Tell them that their hot, handsome uncle love them very much though he never had the chance to meet them personally. _

_Haha, look, I wrote this letter to you longer than any essays I did during exam! I don't think I can hold a pen in my whole life after this, damn, my beautiful, pianist fingers hurt so bad! You better be grateful, stupid brother and make sure to keep this letter in your safety box, okay? Because, this will be the only letter I wrote to you…I guess. _

_Now, don't be…sad. Sooner or later, you will forget about me and my whole existence. I won't be mad if you throw out any of my belongings out. They will only take up spaces at the mansion and become a place where dust would love to accumulate. The maids will start to complain, I mean, hey, I'm not even here anymore! That's funny…don't you think so? Cleaning up things that are not needed anymore must be a tiring job for our maids. _

_Lastly, please explain to mum and dad about this. I know it is an abrupt decision but I want to have freedom in making my own choices. Tell them not to worry so much, I will survive anywhere and don't try to look for me. Please…I beg you, please don't. It will make this harder for me._

_Before you throw this letter somewhere, I have…a confession to make... _

_I-I really, really love you, Hikaru. More than just a brotherly love and anything in this world. You must be thinking that I am sick and crazy. I am, Hikaru. I am sick and crazy. I am disgusting and horrifying. I am everything that you could never accept. I'm sorry, I'm sorry and again I'm sorry. Please forgive me, Hikaru. You don't have to worry about me getting near you again. I will ensure you that even until I die; you will never find the place where my rotting body laid. _

_Just, forgive me, will you?_

_I'm sorry, again, Hikaru, for being a bother through all this while. Please, be happy for your own sake and mine. _

_Yours truly,_

_Kaoru _

"…You…idiot brother!" he screamed, crumpling the letter in his hands before sliding down from the wall he was leaning, weeping pitifully in his wedding tuxedo.

"You, you never know, Kaoru…but I am sick and crazy too. Disgusting and horrifying as well…but, you never know…" he whispered, slowly slipping into utter depression.

_I'm just the same as you, Kaoru. _

_

* * *

_I must be sick and crazy,

I must be disgusting and horrifying,

For needing you this badly,

For loving you this much.

* * *

Please leave a review and thank you for reading!


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